generosity and sharing

well, there's no turning back now. in thanks to your support and generosity, i have been able to enroll in the meditation teacher training at the against the stream buddhist meditation society (i know, it's a mouthful). the first meeting is the weekend of September 5th, at our center in Los Angeles. i truly could not have done this without the support of you: my friends, my family, my community.

it has been humbling and moving beyond words to allow myself to receive your gifts. your words of support have moved me to tears more than once, a feat for the man who once couldn't cry. your emails, your letters, your words have poured so much into my heart, it is impossible to doubt that i am loved; and increasingly difficult to mind the voices that once said so loudly that i didn't deserve to be loved.

the process of reaching out has been much more than i thought it would be. when Noah suggested that i ask my sangha (community) for their support, i was hesitant, as many of you know. it was difficult for me to ask, to reach out for help. i have prided myself on self-sufficiency, stoicism, "being a man." that's what a man is supposed to be, right, an island, a rock, standing on his own two feet? something has moved in these past four years of practice, though, and the "rock" is not quite as stubborn as he once was. a student should follow the advice of one's teacher, and so i reached out to you.

in AA we say the basis of the program is one alcoholic helping another. i have been a "good" aa over the years; have helped some stay sober, been a friend, showed up, learned to be of service. but i read in one piece of aa literature that in reaching out, it is just as important to be the hand that reaches for help, as the hand that offers. without one, there cannot be the other; if we cannot ask for help, who can give it? when i was new to the program, so much was freely given; it saved my life and allowed me to do the same for others. in fact, without the ability to offer this help to others who are new, aa says that we cannot stay sober, cannot benefit from grace, cannot escape the bonds of self. the importance of the one who asks for help is thrown into stark relief.

in the process of being overwhelmed by your generosity, i began to think about and look into this topic from a buddhist perspective. typically, the word used for generosity is dana. in buddhist practice, the dharma (teachings or truth) is offered for free. but the community supports the teacher through dana so that the teacher might be able to continue to spread the dharma. often, in american buddhism, this means you give some cash for a mediation class, or daylong or retreat, above the operating costs, to be given to the teacher, based on what you can afford (those who can afford more are asked to pay for those who can't afford anything, and the ATSBMS, i'm happy to say, doesn't turn anyone away for lack of funds). this is how i thought about dana, kind of a spiritual tip.

but in my wanderings on the web, i found another word, caga. (don't ask me how to pronounce it, i don't know, although Ka-Ga would be cool in a german expressionist sounding kind of way). caga means to give up, to surrender, to let go of selfishness, to loosen or open. caga is the type of generosity that allows us to connect to others, to build community, because we have ceased to operate in the man-as-island modus operandi. this idea of generosity seemed much like the hand-clasping-hand idea of aa; to use my dad's word, it resonated. and this idea seemed to resonate more with this experience of asking for help. i realized that part of generosity was also in receiving. i had a mini satori and thought i should rush out and tell someone immediately, because, as you know, i'm a teacher now (insert "lol" here). i think my friend rich was standing in the area when my head was hammering this out, and when i threw this at him, he responded with approximately, "yeah, dude, that's how you let people be a part of your life, i remember when i realized that." you have to dig rich: 6'2", crazy pompadour mohawk, new-jersey-meets-so-cal accent, porn-stach, fully-sleeved, vintage-fifties-meets-crazed-scientist look, and a heart of gold (and sporting a silver replica of a torture implement around his neck; he's a jeweler: www.spragwerks.com). when rich says something like that, it's kind of amazing, because he's there with you totally, digging on what you are saying, feelin' it with ya. so that sealed it for me, caga, the generosity of two hands clasping (there's a koan in there somewhere), the opposite of soul-killing self-sufficiency, anti-stoic: the removal of that which is between us. besides, who wants to be on an island by themselves?

so i sincerely hope that in the coming year, you will walk with me on this path. i hope that i can let you in, clasp your hand, share with you some of me. hopefully, we can all be less alone, get to know one another better--hopefully we can learn something new. but certainly i cannot do this without you. a student once told the buddha, "hey, (ok, he didn't say it that way, but bear with me), so like, the sangha is most of the practice." but the buddha corrected him and said, "dude, the sangha is all of the practice."

and again, with all sincerity, thank you for allowing me to widen my practice. thank you for your caga. thank you for providing wise company. thank you for your many kind words. may my efforts in the coming year benefit all beings, everywhere.


p.s. for those of you playing at home, the reading list thus far: buddhism; a concise introduction by huston smith and philip novak, the life of the buddha by bhikku nanamoli, and old path, white clouds by thich nhat hanh.