As we near the end of my facilitator training, I thought that I would share the fruit of some of my work. This audio link is from a recent talk I gave at Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society in Los Angeles. Many thanks to Mary Stancavage for offering me the opportunity to sub for her class, and also a shout out to my #OMCru friend @ZenOutlaw for encouraging me to post the talk on the web.
It's interesting for me to note that although I speak regularly how nervous I am about putting this up on the web. Perhaps it's because this is one of the first public talks that I have given where I trusted myself enough to speak without notes or extensive preparation. I have been encouraged to speak from what I know, which is what I was attempting to do with this talk.
I hope you enjoy the talk and the meditation.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
generosity and sharing
well, there's no turning back now. in thanks to your support and generosity, i have been able to enroll in the meditation teacher training at the against the stream buddhist meditation society (i know, it's a mouthful). the first meeting is the weekend of September 5th, at our center in Los Angeles. i truly could not have done this without the support of you: my friends, my family, my community.
it has been humbling and moving beyond words to allow myself to receive your gifts. your words of support have moved me to tears more than once, a feat for the man who once couldn't cry. your emails, your letters, your words have poured so much into my heart, it is impossible to doubt that i am loved; and increasingly difficult to mind the voices that once said so loudly that i didn't deserve to be loved.
the process of reaching out has been much more than i thought it would be. when Noah suggested that i ask my sangha (community) for their support, i was hesitant, as many of you know. it was difficult for me to ask, to reach out for help. i have prided myself on self-sufficiency, stoicism, "being a man." that's what a man is supposed to be, right, an island, a rock, standing on his own two feet? something has moved in these past four years of practice, though, and the "rock" is not quite as stubborn as he once was. a student should follow the advice of one's teacher, and so i reached out to you.
in AA we say the basis of the program is one alcoholic helping another. i have been a "good" aa over the years; have helped some stay sober, been a friend, showed up, learned to be of service. but i read in one piece of aa literature that in reaching out, it is just as important to be the hand that reaches for help, as the hand that offers. without one, there cannot be the other; if we cannot ask for help, who can give it? when i was new to the program, so much was freely given; it saved my life and allowed me to do the same for others. in fact, without the ability to offer this help to others who are new, aa says that we cannot stay sober, cannot benefit from grace, cannot escape the bonds of self. the importance of the one who asks for help is thrown into stark relief.
in the process of being overwhelmed by your generosity, i began to think about and look into this topic from a buddhist perspective. typically, the word used for generosity is dana. in buddhist practice, the dharma (teachings or truth) is offered for free. but the community supports the teacher through dana so that the teacher might be able to continue to spread the dharma. often, in american buddhism, this means you give some cash for a mediation class, or daylong or retreat, above the operating costs, to be given to the teacher, based on what you can afford (those who can afford more are asked to pay for those who can't afford anything, and the ATSBMS, i'm happy to say, doesn't turn anyone away for lack of funds). this is how i thought about dana, kind of a spiritual tip.
but in my wanderings on the web, i found another word, caga. (don't ask me how to pronounce it, i don't know, although Ka-Ga would be cool in a german expressionist sounding kind of way). caga means to give up, to surrender, to let go of selfishness, to loosen or open. caga is the type of generosity that allows us to connect to others, to build community, because we have ceased to operate in the man-as-island modus operandi. this idea of generosity seemed much like the hand-clasping-hand idea of aa; to use my dad's word, it resonated. and this idea seemed to resonate more with this experience of asking for help. i realized that part of generosity was also in receiving. i had a mini satori and thought i should rush out and tell someone immediately, because, as you know, i'm a teacher now (insert "lol" here). i think my friend rich was standing in the area when my head was hammering this out, and when i threw this at him, he responded with approximately, "yeah, dude, that's how you let people be a part of your life, i remember when i realized that." you have to dig rich: 6'2", crazy pompadour mohawk, new-jersey-meets-so-cal accent, porn-stach, fully-sleeved, vintage-fifties-meets-crazed-scientist look, and a heart of gold (and sporting a silver replica of a torture implement around his neck; he's a jeweler: www.spragwerks.com). when rich says something like that, it's kind of amazing, because he's there with you totally, digging on what you are saying, feelin' it with ya. so that sealed it for me, caga, the generosity of two hands clasping (there's a koan in there somewhere), the opposite of soul-killing self-sufficiency, anti-stoic: the removal of that which is between us. besides, who wants to be on an island by themselves?
so i sincerely hope that in the coming year, you will walk with me on this path. i hope that i can let you in, clasp your hand, share with you some of me. hopefully, we can all be less alone, get to know one another better--hopefully we can learn something new. but certainly i cannot do this without you. a student once told the buddha, "hey, (ok, he didn't say it that way, but bear with me), so like, the sangha is most of the practice." but the buddha corrected him and said, "dude, the sangha is all of the practice."
and again, with all sincerity, thank you for allowing me to widen my practice. thank you for your caga. thank you for providing wise company. thank you for your many kind words. may my efforts in the coming year benefit all beings, everywhere.
p.s. for those of you playing at home, the reading list thus far: buddhism; a concise introduction by huston smith and philip novak, the life of the buddha by bhikku nanamoli, and old path, white clouds by thich nhat hanh.
it has been humbling and moving beyond words to allow myself to receive your gifts. your words of support have moved me to tears more than once, a feat for the man who once couldn't cry. your emails, your letters, your words have poured so much into my heart, it is impossible to doubt that i am loved; and increasingly difficult to mind the voices that once said so loudly that i didn't deserve to be loved.
the process of reaching out has been much more than i thought it would be. when Noah suggested that i ask my sangha (community) for their support, i was hesitant, as many of you know. it was difficult for me to ask, to reach out for help. i have prided myself on self-sufficiency, stoicism, "being a man." that's what a man is supposed to be, right, an island, a rock, standing on his own two feet? something has moved in these past four years of practice, though, and the "rock" is not quite as stubborn as he once was. a student should follow the advice of one's teacher, and so i reached out to you.
in AA we say the basis of the program is one alcoholic helping another. i have been a "good" aa over the years; have helped some stay sober, been a friend, showed up, learned to be of service. but i read in one piece of aa literature that in reaching out, it is just as important to be the hand that reaches for help, as the hand that offers. without one, there cannot be the other; if we cannot ask for help, who can give it? when i was new to the program, so much was freely given; it saved my life and allowed me to do the same for others. in fact, without the ability to offer this help to others who are new, aa says that we cannot stay sober, cannot benefit from grace, cannot escape the bonds of self. the importance of the one who asks for help is thrown into stark relief.
in the process of being overwhelmed by your generosity, i began to think about and look into this topic from a buddhist perspective. typically, the word used for generosity is dana. in buddhist practice, the dharma (teachings or truth) is offered for free. but the community supports the teacher through dana so that the teacher might be able to continue to spread the dharma. often, in american buddhism, this means you give some cash for a mediation class, or daylong or retreat, above the operating costs, to be given to the teacher, based on what you can afford (those who can afford more are asked to pay for those who can't afford anything, and the ATSBMS, i'm happy to say, doesn't turn anyone away for lack of funds). this is how i thought about dana, kind of a spiritual tip.
but in my wanderings on the web, i found another word, caga. (don't ask me how to pronounce it, i don't know, although Ka-Ga would be cool in a german expressionist sounding kind of way). caga means to give up, to surrender, to let go of selfishness, to loosen or open. caga is the type of generosity that allows us to connect to others, to build community, because we have ceased to operate in the man-as-island modus operandi. this idea of generosity seemed much like the hand-clasping-hand idea of aa; to use my dad's word, it resonated. and this idea seemed to resonate more with this experience of asking for help. i realized that part of generosity was also in receiving. i had a mini satori and thought i should rush out and tell someone immediately, because, as you know, i'm a teacher now (insert "lol" here). i think my friend rich was standing in the area when my head was hammering this out, and when i threw this at him, he responded with approximately, "yeah, dude, that's how you let people be a part of your life, i remember when i realized that." you have to dig rich: 6'2", crazy pompadour mohawk, new-jersey-meets-so-cal accent, porn-stach, fully-sleeved, vintage-fifties-meets-crazed-scientist look, and a heart of gold (and sporting a silver replica of a torture implement around his neck; he's a jeweler: www.spragwerks.com). when rich says something like that, it's kind of amazing, because he's there with you totally, digging on what you are saying, feelin' it with ya. so that sealed it for me, caga, the generosity of two hands clasping (there's a koan in there somewhere), the opposite of soul-killing self-sufficiency, anti-stoic: the removal of that which is between us. besides, who wants to be on an island by themselves?
so i sincerely hope that in the coming year, you will walk with me on this path. i hope that i can let you in, clasp your hand, share with you some of me. hopefully, we can all be less alone, get to know one another better--hopefully we can learn something new. but certainly i cannot do this without you. a student once told the buddha, "hey, (ok, he didn't say it that way, but bear with me), so like, the sangha is most of the practice." but the buddha corrected him and said, "dude, the sangha is all of the practice."
and again, with all sincerity, thank you for allowing me to widen my practice. thank you for your caga. thank you for providing wise company. thank you for your many kind words. may my efforts in the coming year benefit all beings, everywhere.
p.s. for those of you playing at home, the reading list thus far: buddhism; a concise introduction by huston smith and philip novak, the life of the buddha by bhikku nanamoli, and old path, white clouds by thich nhat hanh.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
how i got here
for those of you to whom i am unknown, or don't know how i got here, a little background.
i began sitting with noah levine (check the link to my sangha for more information on him) four years ago after seeing his tattooed hands in national geographic. i showed my father and exclaimed, "here was someone i could practice with!" at this point, i was very unsatisfied with my 11th step practice (that's aa lingo for the step having to do with prayer and meditation. i'm 11 years sober today), as meditation is not explained in detail in any aa literature. the most i seemed to be able to manage was two minutes of sitting still in the mornings, and that was a stretch at best.
when i returned to los angeles from visiting my dad in canada, one of my good friends asked if i wanted to come check out noah's class. turns out that noah had just moved to the angels and was teaching a weekly class. fate? kismet? karma? probably not, but who am i to pass up the opportunities of the marvelous universe? i felt instantly at home amongst this unique community of tattooed misfits and iconoclasts and have been sitting with the sangha (that's the buddha-speak for "community") regularly ever since.
as part of the dharma punx sangha (we're now called "against the stream," same difference), i've completed two silent retreats, one for five days and one for 10 days, at spirit rock meditation center, which is jack kornfield's place up in marin county. as part of my practice, i intend to complete at least one silent retreat per year. the buddha did three months a year, but he didn't have a job.
i've also completed two year-long practices with noah; a year-to-live, and a year-long compassion practice. the year-to-live practice was created by noah's father, stephen levine. you act as if the coming year is your last year to live. trust me, this is not as interesting at parties as it might seem. the compassion practice was a fluke, as i wanted to be in the year-long insight group but had a conflict in my schedule. noah said that everyone could use a little compassion, and that dalai lama fellow seems keen on it, so i thought, what the hell? ripping one's heart open to the world is an experience. i cry a lot more that i used to, but jack kornfield says that the practice only begins when one cries on the cushion. yeah, he probably didn't have to cry in front of a class full of black-t-shirt-wearing, tattooed, hollywood hipster types. people say i'm nicer to hang out with now, but that might just be the result of my mindfulness practice--i don't have to speak everything that comes into my head.
i even have my own meditation cushion. and people keep giving me buddhas. dust needs to live somewhere, i guess. even non-attachement comes with accouterment.
when i returned from my first retreat, i must have seemed spiritual or something, as my work asked if i would teach the meditation group there. i'm the educational director for an adolescent outpatient rehab facility, and they were unsatisfied with their meditation teacher. i didn't feel confident in my abilities at that time, but noah had just asked if i would be willing to help him teach at a california youth authority camp, so i agreed to teach the weekly group at my facility after i completed my training. i've been teaching at my facility for two years now. the kids say it's their favorite group, but i think they say that because it's only two hours instead of the usual three. yes, i keep teenagers occupied with meditation and spiritual discussion for two hours weekly and have lived to tell the tale! on occasion, my dad even comes and teaches a class when he's in town.
i recently was asked by joanna harper, the youth meditation teacher of against the stream, to co-facilitate her first overnight teen "retreat," which further cemented my desire to work with teens outside of my weekly group. i hope to work with her again in the future, although next time i don't think i'll be the tough guy and sleep on the floor like the kids.
so when noah asked if i would be participating in the year-long facilitator training, besides being honored that he would think of me, it seemed natural for me to enroll in the course. i sincerely hope that any teachings i receive will benefit the teens that i work with each week, planting the future seeds of the spiritual path in their lives. and i certainly hope that i can develop my understanding of the dharma (truth with a lower case t) for the benefit of all beings, everywhere.
i began sitting with noah levine (check the link to my sangha for more information on him) four years ago after seeing his tattooed hands in national geographic. i showed my father and exclaimed, "here was someone i could practice with!" at this point, i was very unsatisfied with my 11th step practice (that's aa lingo for the step having to do with prayer and meditation. i'm 11 years sober today), as meditation is not explained in detail in any aa literature. the most i seemed to be able to manage was two minutes of sitting still in the mornings, and that was a stretch at best.
when i returned to los angeles from visiting my dad in canada, one of my good friends asked if i wanted to come check out noah's class. turns out that noah had just moved to the angels and was teaching a weekly class. fate? kismet? karma? probably not, but who am i to pass up the opportunities of the marvelous universe? i felt instantly at home amongst this unique community of tattooed misfits and iconoclasts and have been sitting with the sangha (that's the buddha-speak for "community") regularly ever since.
as part of the dharma punx sangha (we're now called "against the stream," same difference), i've completed two silent retreats, one for five days and one for 10 days, at spirit rock meditation center, which is jack kornfield's place up in marin county. as part of my practice, i intend to complete at least one silent retreat per year. the buddha did three months a year, but he didn't have a job.
i've also completed two year-long practices with noah; a year-to-live, and a year-long compassion practice. the year-to-live practice was created by noah's father, stephen levine. you act as if the coming year is your last year to live. trust me, this is not as interesting at parties as it might seem. the compassion practice was a fluke, as i wanted to be in the year-long insight group but had a conflict in my schedule. noah said that everyone could use a little compassion, and that dalai lama fellow seems keen on it, so i thought, what the hell? ripping one's heart open to the world is an experience. i cry a lot more that i used to, but jack kornfield says that the practice only begins when one cries on the cushion. yeah, he probably didn't have to cry in front of a class full of black-t-shirt-wearing, tattooed, hollywood hipster types. people say i'm nicer to hang out with now, but that might just be the result of my mindfulness practice--i don't have to speak everything that comes into my head.
i even have my own meditation cushion. and people keep giving me buddhas. dust needs to live somewhere, i guess. even non-attachement comes with accouterment.
when i returned from my first retreat, i must have seemed spiritual or something, as my work asked if i would teach the meditation group there. i'm the educational director for an adolescent outpatient rehab facility, and they were unsatisfied with their meditation teacher. i didn't feel confident in my abilities at that time, but noah had just asked if i would be willing to help him teach at a california youth authority camp, so i agreed to teach the weekly group at my facility after i completed my training. i've been teaching at my facility for two years now. the kids say it's their favorite group, but i think they say that because it's only two hours instead of the usual three. yes, i keep teenagers occupied with meditation and spiritual discussion for two hours weekly and have lived to tell the tale! on occasion, my dad even comes and teaches a class when he's in town.
i recently was asked by joanna harper, the youth meditation teacher of against the stream, to co-facilitate her first overnight teen "retreat," which further cemented my desire to work with teens outside of my weekly group. i hope to work with her again in the future, although next time i don't think i'll be the tough guy and sleep on the floor like the kids.
so when noah asked if i would be participating in the year-long facilitator training, besides being honored that he would think of me, it seemed natural for me to enroll in the course. i sincerely hope that any teachings i receive will benefit the teens that i work with each week, planting the future seeds of the spiritual path in their lives. and i certainly hope that i can develop my understanding of the dharma (truth with a lower case t) for the benefit of all beings, everywhere.
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